Have you had it with your narcissist spouse and her self-serving behavior? If you’ve decided to divorce your narcissist, he or she probably isn’t taking the news well. That’s because a narcissist cannot stand to know that someone does not want to be with them. They must be in control of their relationships at all times. It’s safe to assume that your narcissist will attempt to change your mind about the divorce so they can continue your marriage on their own terms. Here’s what to look out for so you don’t fall victim to your narcissistic spouse’s tactics.
Micromanipulation is the narcissist’s attempt to get all the attention back on themselves. In the case of a break up, micromanipulations may be used to tug at your heart strings and convince you that the narcissist cannot live without you. Common micromanipulation tactics include posting vague messages on social media about their mental state and sending messages to you that they claim were for “a friend.” In these messages, they may talk to their “friend“ about how sad they are without you and how badly they want to get you back. By intentionally sending these messages to you, your spouse is hoping it will open a dialogue and make you feel guilty about leaving them.
Unfortunately, it is also common for a narcissist to threaten self harm when you leave them. These may be passing comments, but there’s really nothing “micro” about this kind of manipulation. If your narcissistic spouse is trying any of these tactics, remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to keep them happy and manage their feelings. Even in the case of self harm, it is your spouse’s responsibility to seek help. If you have genuine concerns, you can offer resources or contact one of your spouse’s family members and hand off the responsibility to them.
Turning Family and Friends Against You
A narcissist wants everyone on their side, so it is extremely common for them to start lying about your relationship to family and friends as soon as you file for divorce. Narcissists will often claim that their partner cheated on them or did some other unforgivable act that led to the divorce. They do not want to admit that they are actually the person being left because then they will need to admit that they have flaws.
These tactics are often effective in the short term, but don’t lose hope that you will be reunited with friends and family in the future. Most people will eventually come to realize the narcissist’s lies, and the truth will lead them back to you. It always pays to maintain your integrity, even when the cards seem stacked against you.
Alienating You From the Kids
If you are a parent, your spouse may try to use the kids against you so you’ll reverse your decision to get a divorce. First, they may threaten that you’ll never be able to see your kids. For men who work with a divorce and family law attorney for fathers, this is rarely the case. Judges want to see kids having a positive relationship with both parents, which usually means joint custody. We’ll work to counteract your spouse’s lies about you as a parent so the judge doesn’t fall for her tactics.
To make matters worse for divorcing fathers, their narcissist spouse may even try to convince the children that their dad is a bad person or doesn’t want to spend time with them. It can hurt to have your kids turned against you, but don’t allow your spouse to use this tactic to rein you back in. Parental alienation is real, and it must be dealt with swiftly to prevent its long-term impacts. However, it should always be dealt with in court so you don’t risk making matters worse. Any proof you have of your spouse’s inappropriate persuasions can be presented to the judge.
Men in New Jersey who are going through a divorce from a narcissist face a challenging and often high-conflict process. It’s important to stay strong even during the chaos if you don’t want to be roped back into an unhealthy marriage. A New Jersey divorce attorney for men can help you get through this difficult time. Contact The Micklin Law Group, whose divorce attorneys have decades of combined experience handling cases where men are divorcing a narcissist.