Even during the most low-conflict divorce, children can have a tough time. When a marriage ends, parents may have to navigate complex issues such as custody, visitation, and child support. Unfortunately, in some cases, a mother may be turning a child against the father during this time. This can be a tactic to make her look more favourable to the courts, especially if the child’s opinion on their living arrangements is considered. As a divorce lawyer for men in New Jersey, I have seen this happen all too often. Here are some of the common signs of parental manipulation and what you can do if your ex-wife is turning your child against you.
Your ex speaks negatively about you in front of your child
One of the most common signs that your ex is turning your child against you is when they openly speak negatively about you in front of your child. If you’ve witnessed your ex make derogatory comments about you to the kids, it’s safe to assume they’re making those same comments – or worse ones – in private. Over time, this can create a negative image of you in your child’s mind, leading them to believe that you are not a good parent.
Your child seems to have a sudden change in attitude towards you
If your child suddenly seems distant or hostile towards you, it could be a sign that your ex is turning them against you. Children are often influenced by the attitudes and behaviours of the adults around them, and if your ex is speaking negatively about you or undermining your authority, your child may begin to adopt those attitudes. Ask your child outright about their behavioural shift to make sure there isn’t an easier explanation. If they can’t give a clear explanation, it may be an indicator of parental alienation.
Your child is reluctant to spend time with you
Another sign that your ex-wife is turning your child against you is when they are reluctant to spend time with you. This could manifest as your child making excuses not to come to your house or being uninterested in spending time with you when they are there. In some cases, your ex may even try to prevent you from seeing your child by making it difficult for you to schedule visits or by withholding information about your child’s schedule.
Your ex is overly involved in your child’s life
Has your ex suddenly become very involved in every aspect of your child’s life? While it is normal for parents to be involved with their children, if your ex is overly involved to the point of micromanaging your child’s schedule or making decisions without consulting you, it could be a sign that they are trying to exclude you from your child’s life. By limiting your involvement, they may be trying to create a sense of distance between you and your child.
How to address parental alienation
If you suspect that your ex is turning your child against you, there are steps you can take to address the situation. First, make sure to communicate with your ex about your concerns. Explain what you’ve noticed and let her know that you are concerned about the impact her behavior may be having on your child and that you want to work together to ensure that your child has a positive relationship with both parents. It’s possible that she wasn’t aware of the consequences of her behaviour but is willing to cooperate.
If talking to your ex does not help, you may need to speak to a divorce lawyer for men in New Jersey. An experienced attorney can help you understand your legal rights and options for addressing the situation. This may involve seeking a modification of your custody or visitation agreement, or pursuing legal action if your ex’s behaviour rises to the level of parental alienation.
How to Stop an Ex from Turning Your Kids Against You
It may be one of the saddest types of calls I get in my career as a divorce lawyer for men in New Jersey.
“My ex is turning my child against me,” says the worried father. “What can I do to stop her?”
Divorce is scary enough as it is for children. They didn’t ask their folks to split up. When they also are subjected to what psychologists call Parental Alienation, it becomes terrifying. They are made to feel guilty about loving their dad. Just speak to the children who are caught in the crossfire and listen to their story as I have. It’s heart-wrenching to hear them, and it takes a terrible toll on the father.
Here are some ways to spot signs that your former wife is trying to alienate your children and some strategies to stop it.
Telltale Signs Your Ex-wife Is Turning Your Child Against You
There are some ways to spot if the mother of your children is badmouthing you to them. The earliest warning sign is on social media. If her Facebook page is filled with derogatory comments about you to her family and friends, chances are pretty good she is making similar remarks to your children. Take screenshots and save them; if she blocks you, ask a friend to continue doing so.
Don’t get into an online war of words with her. Judges do not take kindly to one spouse saying nasty things about the other online. But we can use it as evidence if needed when negotiating visitation, custody, and support issues with her attorney – and in court if it becomes necessary.
But even if she isn’t posting anything on Facebook, there are other telltale signs that she may be trying to alienate your children from you. It is marked by a sudden change in the kid’s attitude towards you:
- You or your friends overhear her speaking poorly of you
- She tries to limit the children’s contact with you
- She tries to interfere with your communication with the kids
- She emotionally punishes the child when they say anything positive about you
- And the worst is that she tells your children that you do not love them
Sociologists haven’t done studies into how many children are subjected to parental alienation by the mother but reams of anecdotal evidence indicate that it happens to fathers who are the custodial or co-parent of a child even after the divorce is finalized. It is done to children as young as toddlers and preschoolers as well as to teens well into their high school years.
Men’s Rights After Separation and Divorce
Regardless of how far along your divorce is in the process or if you’ve been divorced for some time, my divorce advice to fathers in New Jersey is consistent. There are several key things to remember.
First and most important, call me or one of our family law attorneys for men and fathers in New Jersey. Keep us informed of all attempts by your ex to alienate your children from you. Even if we did not handle your original divorce, we will not only provide you with advice on how to proceed but can develop a strategy to take to a judge to obtain an order to stop her from continuing her destructive behavior.
Here are some additional tips for fathers who know there’s parental alienation afoot:
- Keep in mind that your kids are a victim of your ex and don’t blame them for her actions
- Don’t speak badly of the mother to your kids.
- Be mindful of the time you’re with the kids. Don’t be late for visits or cancel time with them except in extraordinary circumstances. If you have to cancel or change a visitation, you should tell the kids yourself; don’t let your ex frame the message the way she is likely to try to do.
If you follow these tips while working with your attorney to stop your ex’s inappropriate behavior, the judge is more likely to believe your side of the story.
Divorce Tactics for Fathers to Maintain Relationships with Kids
So, you know how to handle your ex’s attempts at parental alienation, but how can you maintain a healthy relationship with your kids while your lawyer handles their mother’s poor behavior? First, keep telling your children that you love them unconditionally. This might seem obvious to you, but if their mom has been lying to them, your kids may question your love.
Remind the children of the good times you have shared. Younger children have short attention spans and may not remember what life was like before the divorce. Spend some time with them going through photo albums or reminiscing about family vacations so your kids don’t lose those memories and succumb to the false information your ex is providing.
Arguably the most important piece of advice I can offer any father in this situation is to always stay true to yourself and your morals. It’s difficult to be the bigger person when your relationship with your children is on the line, but it will ultimately pay off if you can salvage and even strengthen your relationship with your kids. To that end, don’t try using emotional manipulation or bribes to lure your children away from their mother. This could backfire long term as your children grow up and realize what you were doing. Avoid the temptation to stoop to your ex’s level and keep your focus on the positive.
Talk to a Divorce Lawyer for Men in New Jersey
As a parent, it’s crucial to not play the game that an angry ex-spouse seems intent on playing. As a divorced father myself, I know that our first instinct is to fight for our children and resort to combat tactics to protect them. But when you stop to think about it, this is a self-defeating strategy. It makes the children victims again of a fight between you and your ex.
It can be heartbreaking when an ex wife turns a child against the father. It can also be tempting to take drastic actions to keep your children close. But remember, the best way to handle your trouble with your ex is in court. Follow the tips I’ve laid out to ensure you have credible evidence of your ex’s wrongdoing. Judges don’t want to see children alienated from either parent, so the odds are good that your kids will eventually see you as the loving father you are.
But even if she isn’t posting anything on Facebook, there are other telltale signs that she may be trying to alienate your children from you. It is marked by a sudden change in the kid’s attitude towards you:
- You or friends overhear her speaking poorly of you
- She tries to limit the children’s contact with you
- She tries to interfere with your communication with the kids
- She emotionally punishes the child when they say anything positive about you
- And the worst is that she tells your children that you do not love them
Sociologists haven’t done studies into how many children are subjected to parental alienation by the mother but reams of anecdotal evidence indicate that it happens to fathers who are the custodial or co-parent of a child even after the divorce is finalized. It is done to children as young as toddlers and preschoolers as well as to teens well into their high school years.
If you’re having trouble with your ex-wife trying to alienate your children from you, please feel free to reach out to the divorce lawyers for men in New Jersey. We will help you create a strategy to put a stop to her bad behavior. Reach us at our Nutley office by calling 973-562-0100.
Your child’s well-being should always come first, and that means that they should have a positive relationship with both parents. If you’re being separated or alienated from your child, contact The Micklin Law Group to learn about your options in family court.
