Are you wondering, “Should I divorce my narcissistic wife?” As divorce attorneys for men, we feel the answer is almost always yes. This isn’t because we’re pro-divorce; in fact, it’s the opposite. We strive to help our clients create a healthy family structure, but when there is physical, verbal, or emotional abuse involved, that just isn’t an option.
Narcissists are known to put themselves above everyone else, so without a commitment to therapy and the desire to change, your narcissistic spouse may not be equipped to give you a healthy relationship. So, what to do when divorcing a narcissist? The narcissist divorce strategy for spouses is straightforward, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. When it comes to how to win a divorce against a narcissist, you’ll need to display immense fortitude and emotional maturity.
Try the “Gray Rock” Method
A narcissist is usually saying and doing inflammatory things because they want to elicit a reaction – so don’t give them one. Professionals call this the gray rock method because you should strive to respond to the narcissist in a neutral, emotionless way. When your ex is trying to argue about the divorce, don’t allow your feelings to make their way into your response. She’s just trying to get a rise out of you so she can continue the argument. Of course, many men who have been married to a narcissist know this is easier said than done. If you don’t believe you can communicate in a neutral way in person, try to speak to your ex primarily through text messages or emails. This will give you more time to think of a calm response.
Get Everything in Writing
Narcissists will renege on agreements whenever it suits them. When it comes to custody, property division, and child support, your ex may agree initially to the terms of an agreement, but she will change her tune later if it is in her best interest to do so.
That’s why it’s so important to get everything in writing. And that means having the agreement signed off by the Court, so the Court can enforce it. Sadly, even if you do get your agreements in writing, you should be prepared for your ex to blame you for the changes and to externalize the issue. A divorce with a narcissist often becomes high-conflict very quickly, especially if she feels like the other party is having more success in court. This leads us into our next tip.
Be Prepared for A Fight
The stages of divorcing a narcissist can be extremely taxing on their spouse. Narcissists don’t like not getting what they want. If you’re the one to file for divorce, expect your spouse to lash out and try to create conflict at every turn. Sadly, if you have children, your spouse may even try to use them as pawns in her game.
A gray divorce can be even more challenging. Divorcing a narcissist after 30+ years means you will likely have substantial assets that must be divided. Your spouse will likely become nasty when trying to negotiate a fair division of these assets. She may threaten to drain your retirement accounts and leave you with nothing for retirement. These threats are scary, but that’s not how the law works in New Jersey. With a qualified divorce attorney, you’ll quickly prove to your spouse, her attorney, and the judge that her requests aren’t equitable.
Divorcing a narcissist isn’t easy. If you’re struggling with the big emotions that accompany a divorce, consider attending a “divorcing a narcissist” support group. The Micklin Law Group offers a digital support group for men and fathers that meets monthly; this may be a great place for you to feel heard and understood.
